Piscatorial Ponderings: Angling, Mental Health and Me

I suppose it was back in 2005 when I realised I was sad. Regularly unhappy. Not just unhappy, but down right depressed.

I think like most people they assume that everyone gets sad sometimes, feels low and gloomy, and in this way many people don't really even think about it. But as the years progressed, these moments happened more frequently and lasted for longer times.

I still carried on with my daily activities, going to work, and looking after my daughter and doing my absolute best to remain cheerful every day and night, but things weren’t going well. I was increasingly finding it difficult to get out of bed. More and more I would find myself not eating at all, or conversely, eating way too much in one go. Going to work went from being a joy to a nightmare. I would get a deep feeling of dread and anxiety even right up to the moment I walked through the door, feeling sick to my very stomach, and that feeling started to turn to actuality as I started to feel very unwell, and I acquired very bad irritable bowel syndrome and other illnesses. I'd found myself sitting in a chair all day. Doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes just staring off into space until suddenly I'd realise that hours and hours had passed without me even noticing.

My skin started peeling off my body due to stress, and my anxiety was through the roof to a point where I couldn't do anything or go anywhere, and I shut myself off from all my friends and family.

But I was in charge of being the main breadwinner of the house, and also giving the majority of the care to my daughter, as my partner at the time was studying in university. My life was an endless cycle of work, child care, and trying to remain cheerful, and I persisted the best I could.

Understand that I didn't hate any of it. I loved going to work with my friends and spending time with my lovely daughter, but there was less and less time for me.

Naturally, I spoke to no-one about it. Not a soul knew how I felt or what I was experiencing. Men have to be strong and in control, and it's silly for them to discuss or look into ‘feeling a bit sad sometimes’. I had a job to do, and a family to look after and no-one would really understand anyway. So I carried on.

Until one day...I snapped. I have no recollection as to what triggered it, nor do I have any memory of anything I did or what was going through my mind. It's a complete blank to me, as these moments always are when they happen to me. A large space of time that I was not present for. But I woke up in the attic of our house, having slept there for time unknown. All I could hear were the voices of my partner and parents, on their phones, frantically calling everyone I knew asking if they had seen me, and starting to call the police. 

I had climbed up into the attic, pulled up the ladder and loft hatch, and fallen asleep. I had just needed to get away from everything. Be in a place where none of the world existed.

Of course, I came down and apologized and everything was revealed at last.

I went to the doctors where I was diagnosed with depression and given medication. 

It was actually a huge relief to get the diagnosis, because it became not a silly thing that I was half imagining and wasn't real, but an actual medical condition that existed.

But it didn't go away. 

The medication helped, for sure, but I still found myself keeping it all to myself, for the protection of others and being too scared to discuss it. Indeed, at the time, people around me still didn't really understand it. I had seen how distressed it had made everyone that day, so I still kept everything secret.

I suppose, naturally, it wasn't long before I found myself being single again. Not specifically my fault, it was about 50/50 on both sides. But for my part my depression had been the key to it, and I had to face the fact that I needed to get help and find a way of combating the shadow in my mind. I sought help from professionals, and started talking.

But I needed something more. I needed what I found in that cold, dusty attic. A way to get away from it all.

Through those years I hadn’t been fishing much. Perhaps only twice a year I would dust off the old fishing rods and head to the bank. My long time angling buddy and best friend Aaron had a child at the time too, and we had somewhat lost contact with each other as we got our heads around parenting our children and working to provide for them. But now I found myself living at his house, with his wonderful family, sleeping on the sofa until I found a new place to live, and we took this opportunity to get back out there and go fishing more. And almost as if I hadn't really known it, which indeed I had, it was in angling that I found that space. A space that had been there all along since I started fishing as a child. That place I could escape to and become myself again, banishing the shadow.

Best Friends of 30+ years. Aaron is my Regular Lifesaver and Angling Enabler

My stress and worry manifests itself eventually on my skin. I get terrible rashes and my skin peels off as if it were damaged skin after a sunburn, often leaving large open sores, particularly on my thumbs for some reason. Though my beard is magnificent, it is also needed during times of stress to hide the sores that appear there.

I've had many great peaks of stress in my life. Two failed long term relationships, each as heart breaking as the other to me, countless stressful jobs and shifts at work places, and many other extreme things I won't go into here, but trust me, were particularly traumatic, if not much more so than the ones mentioned. And day to day life of course can be stressful enough.

Many of these things people can deal with in normal life, but when you live with depression, it becomes very hard and sometimes impossible to deal with.

Angling helps with stress in a most magical way. You can carry with you, to the river bank, along with all of your rods and fishing tackle, all the stress and worry that you have in your life, but as soon as you start fishing, you can forget it all. 

A large reason for this is being out in nature and wildlife. Listening to the breeze blowing through the rustling leaves and the chirp of bird song is indescribably relaxing. Work is far away, as are those bills, and that annoying dog across the road that barks all day, and you have nothing else around you except the beauty of nature. On top of that, and probably even more important, you have the water. 

The Peace in Nature Angling Provides

It's no surprise that people love being around water. Walking along the seashores and down rivers and canals. Being near the water is so relaxing. The sound and smell of it is enough, but also the sight of it, rippling and reflecting the sun. Calming, peaceful and relaxing.

You often hear anglers talking about this being why fishing is incomparable to anything else at remedying their mental health, but I think there is something even more to it than that. After all, it's all true, nature and wildlife and water relieves my stress greatly, particularly as I am a great lover and appreciator of all these things, but I can go for a walk down a canal or sit by a river without fishing gear to get these things.

So why is angling more than that? Well, it's simple. You get all of that with angling, and focus.

I hear the bird calls and watch the rippling river flow by, but also I'm watching the float.

I'm focusing on that tiny orange tip of stick, waiting for it to dip or wave or bow about at the indication of a fish. While not fishing, your mind can still drift back to think about all that stress, but there's no time for that when fishing. Because none of that stuff matters. All that matters is whether a float dips under, or a rod tip swings round or an alarm goes off, and you are rewarded with an up close experience with a beautiful creature from another world, that few get to experience without a fishing rod in hand.

That's not to say you have to forget all your troubles, though I frequently do. Fishing can also give me the time to really think about some troubles and get to grips with them. To really concentrate on issues without any distractions from day to day life, and also help to put a lot of things in perspective.

It helps me to calm down also from traumatic events, incidents or thoughts, such as a loved one passing away, as they have recently thanks to the Covid-19 pandemic, and the passage of time and other horrible ways, like suicide.

It's very much like a form of meditation at times. In fact, a fish suddenly turning up on the line is the only thing that snaps me out of it sometimes!

Alone Time to Think

It's hard to describe depression to others who don't have it. I often find myself trying to describe it as a shadow, an actual thing that exists and interacts. Maybe like a Ringwraith from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. 

Why is it so hard to get out of bed, or that chair for someone with depression, when they know there is plenty to do? It's like the shadow is forcing you into it, with some weight, without you realising. Holding you down silently against your will. It weighs you down by cloaking itself over your shoulders, making everything difficult and weighs on not only your mind, but your body. At least, that's how it is for me.

Other times I describe it as ‘Evil Steve’. An imaginary mirror copy of myself, talking in my ear. “You can't do this''. “You are rubbish at this”, it can say. And then, “No-one likes you”. “You have no friends”. And then more worryingly, “You're better off dead”. “No-one would miss you”. “They would all be happier without you”.

It's sad to hear, I expect, but it's what depression does to me, and others. And when ‘Evil Steve’ takes over, I start to believe it, because he isn't a separate person whispering all this in my ear. He IS me!

Of course not a word of anything depression says is true, and people have often, aggressively, told me how much they love and care for me and cant understand how I don't get it.

The truth being of course that I do believe people love and care for me, but it is me that neither loves or cares for myself. After being beaten down by all the shadow and thoughts of this every single day by the horror that depression is, it is all too often I can come to believe it regardless.

And in this way peoples lives fall apart and the suicide rates continue to rise.

Angling helps me with all of this. Firstly because it is so enjoyable. Very rarely do I find the shadow holding me in place when a day of angling is on the cards. Whether I catch fish or not, I know it's going to be exactly the remedy I need to feel better, and the mystery of what I will catch will always get me out there to discover it. 

It's not a disheartening activity that is hard to do and means you feel bad about not being good at it, it's incredibly easy! I've known many people who have always thought it looked complicated with all that line and knots and vast array of tackle, only to discover that it is incredibly simple and easy to do and enjoy. 

All the horrible thoughts disappear from my mind while fishing and I come to realise that life isn't so bad, in fact it's got loads for people to discover, and far from being a lonely hobby where you can feel isolated and alone, there is a vast community of people there sharing the same love as myself.

Angling's Rewards! Some of the most Spectacular Wildlife you will ever hold

The thing with anxiety is that you just can't face going out, and into social situations particularly. And not only me, but 8.2 million of us in the UK are troubled with anxiety issues, with twice as many women as men. Anyone who knows me will know me as a bright and friendly character, who loves nothing more than socialising with friends and having a good laugh. A very social person. But this is far from the truth.

I get terrible anxiety and often shut myself away on my own from others. I've been known to make up excuses not to go out with others because I just can't face it, and even on my way to work places or events I often feel sick to my very stomach about the prospect of it all, and on some occasions have been known to turn around and go home rather than do it.

That’s not to say my cheery self that people see is a lie, but more a version of me I want to be. It takes an extraordinary amount of effort to fight the anxiety and just force myself to be happy. I’ve had 20 years of practice at forcing myself to appear to be happy, and I’m pretty good at forcing it now, but it’s still very draining and exhausting to do so, and sometimes impossible. 

Of course, sometimes it’s exactly what you need, alone time away from people, and fishing can be perfect for that I find, but it is also the ultimate entry way into tackling anxiety by fishing with others.

I love fishing on my own. It's so very peaceful, but I love nothing more than going fishing with a friend. Spending some quality time with a person, and sharing in the experience with someone, can be the best days angling, and ones you will always talk about and remember.

In social situations where you are meeting new people, angling is the UK’s number one pass time, so introducing the fact you enjoy fishing more often than not leads to you finding another angler, and makes for a friendly, comfortable and easy conversation with a familiar topic and enjoyment factor. No awkward conversation starters for you!

This can then lead, as it has with me, to making new angling friends and being a part of angling groups. One of the most joyful experiences in my life, for example, is going to Anglers Paradise, in Devon. As a person who suffers with anxiety, you would think that going to a place filled with people would be daunting, in fact, initially it was, but I soon realized that everyone there was there for the same reason. To go fishing, and make friends with other anglers. We all share the same love in common, and now far from socialising being a stress here, it becomes a great joy that I look forward to more than anything else! Literally the highlight of my year. Zyg, Rose, Zenia, and all the team, work to make this place in particular a haven for me, and are true heroes.

The angling community is precisely what you want it to be, be it solitary and contemplative, or lively and bustling. 

The Angling Community. The most Treasured Friends and Memories I'll ever have

Angling is also a great way to build your self esteem. Catching a fish gives me an enormous sense of achievement, and then of course, there's always a bigger fish and more achievement should you catch a bigger one. And so it continues. There is always something to aim for be it fish, or venues or skills to learn and that certainly boosts my confidence more than anything else. Showing your mates the latest photos that you have taken on fishing trips, sharing them on instagram, or even being inspired to write an angling blog on your more memorable days out for people to read and yourself to reminisce about, and even be brave enough to film some fishing sessions for Youtube, like the ones I film for my Passionate Piscator channel.

The Steve of 2005 would never have foreseen a future version of himself, for example, writing a blog like this one, and filming himself for all the world to see. Opening up to strangers (and perhaps a few friends) and discussing his personal struggles with mental health.

The aim of my Youtube channel as always been to help. Show people they are not alone, and how angling can help to battle and ease the demons.

The aim is to get one viewer angling. Just one. And perhaps help save a life, as it has mine.

These fantastic people don't even realise they are saving a man from his Depression right here

Of course, I can only accurately describe my own version of mental health issues affecting me personally. It affects everyone differently. And also only from a male perspective.

Angling helps everyone who does it, but I do think that it helps men in particular.

Though the concept and acceptance of men sharing their emotions is certainly growing, it is still a huge issue that has a lot of stigma surrounding it. I still personally know SO many men who feel it isn't ‘manly’ to discuss feelings and emotions with anyone, least of all other men. And I know even more who still refuse, and will continue to refuse to get help. 

I used to be like this. Pride is a terrible thing sometimes. But I have found that it is in fishing that men can really get together and discuss things with their fishing friends.

I'm sure Aaron in particular won't mind me sharing that whenever us two get together to catch a few fish for the day, it gives us a real opportunity to catch up and have a good chat, and it always ends up a forum where we can have a good chat about any worries, stress or troubles happening in our lives. Thoughts and feelings we would just never share with our friends and even families in another situation, say down a pub, or at a meal or movie night or something. Worries at home, or issues with work or concerns with health or anything at all, the uniquely relaxed space angling provides is the perfect opportunity to air it all out, and let it wash away down stream. 

I've even been part of and witnessed a large group of male anglers gathered together, having a laugh and a merry old time and chatting about fishing, but also sharing with the entire group deeply personal issues, stress and anxiety concerns and health matters where I'm absolutely certain that they wouldn't do anywhere else. And I'm positive this happens all the time with other anglers.

Looking back, it was always seen that angling was a male sport, where an old man would be seen, catching nothing, going off to get away from the misses. A sad, lonely affair. But far from being a bad thing, those guys had the right idea. Life can be hard and stressful and depressing, and sometimes you just need to get away from it. They knew angling’s secret.

And luckily, since the old days, the secret is out! Angling is very good for you, and more and more of, not only men, but women and children too, are getting into it and discovering is huge array of benefits.

Anglers that Share Together, Stay Together.

I'm sure angling is the perfect place for the women to get away from a moaning husband, work worries, and kids. And for youngsters, the stress of dealing with puberty, living with parents and endless school work. A place where none of that stuff matters because it's not there, and you are. It’s also increasingly a place where families can spend time together, and get away from the electronic lifestyle and actually talk and bond. The internet, and social media, is a particularly toxic place (trust me, I know, I'm on Youtube!), and angling is a real tonic from all that nastiness.

Luckily for me, I discovered that angling is therapy to my mental health issues. 1 adult in 6 has a common mental health issue, and those definitely should be dealt with and spoken about, and perhaps fished away. 

Now I am not saying angling is the cure. I certainly get very depressed still, I still get anxious in social situations and get that horrible feeling in my tummy at nervous times, and I still get stressed from time to time, but in those times, as soon as I recognise that one of those horrible shadows starts creeping up again, I head out fishing as soon as I can. Everything washes away and it resets the countdown again like magic. And people around me know it now too. Friends will encourage me to go fishing when they know I am starting to struggle, even ringing me up and telling me to join them, or encouraging me to Anglers Paradise, which is where, as I have mentioned, the cure works strongest of all for me. 

And all who see the before and after remark that I am a completely different person when I come back from a day by a lake.

I truly believe that angling in particular is a thing that should be suggested and encouraged as a form of medication, relief and therapy from medical professionals to people who struggle with mental health, and recently in news it looks like this very thing is starting to happen.

Mental Health needs to be taken more seriously than it is, and angling in particular really needs to be recognised as the therapy it truly is.

If you have never been before and think it could help, and it really could, I'm certain if you get in contact with someone you know who goes fishing, they will be more than happy to go with you for the day and dangle a line in the water. I'm certainly one of them, so lets get going! 

I've always said that if you think fishing is about catching fish, you have missed the point of it entirely. If you go you might just realise that it's true, angling isn't about catching fish, it's about so very much more.

That Free Feeling you get when Fishing :)